paulrhymer.net

Mis' Keller's Birthday
ANNOUNCER:Well sir, it's almost ten o'clock at night as our scene opens now, and here in the living-room of the small house halfway up in the next block, we find Mrs. Victor Gook and her Uncle Fletcher. Uncle Fletcher is speaking earnestly. Listen.
FLETCHER:A four-foot length of railroad track makes a fine door stop. An' I know where I can lay my hands on a four-foot length of railroad track. Right down there at the C & A shops.
SADE:[skeptical] Wouldn't it be a terrible heavy thing?
FLETCHER:Yes. Yes, it would. Gross around... well, let's see... railroad track runs a hundred an' ten pounds to the foot now-days. Usta be only eighty pounds to the foot when I was straw boss on the section gang there in Belvidere. But now they roll ‘em a hundred an' ten pounds to the foot. A four-foot length would be four times a hundred an' ten or... [brief pause while he calculates]...
SADE & FLETCHER:Four-hundred an' forty.
FLETCHER:Yeah... four-hundred an' forty pounds.
SADE:[giggles] My stars!
FLETCHER:Heavy, all right. But you want a heavy door stop. A four-hundred an' forty pound door stop would hold a door open or hold a door shut.
SADE:[giggles] I'll say it would.
FLETCHER:Think Mis' Keller'd like a door stop for her birthday?
SADE:I... don't think she could handle all that weight.
FLETCHER:Husky woman, Mis' Keller. Tips the scales at a hundred an' sixty-six. All beef.
SADE:I know - but rasslin' four-hundred an' forty pounds around...
FLETCHER:Ya don't hafta pick a door stop up, ya know, Sadie. You just leave it on your front porch. Kick it with your foot when ya wanta move it.
SADE:[giggles] I wouldn't wanta kick a big hunk of iron with my foot that weighed a quarter of a ton.
FLETCHER:Is four-hundred an' forty pounds a quarter of a ton?
SADE:[giggles] Haven't the slightest idea. Sounds like it might be, though.
FLETCHER:[judiciously] Well, let's see... I can cipher that out. There's two-thousand pounds in a ton. Half a ton would be one-thousand pounds. Quarter of a ton would be half of that, or five hundred pounds. Darn close to it, all right.
SADE:[giggles] Person might as well waltz up to the People's Bank Building an' give it a kick.
FLETCHER:[thoughtfully] Uh-huh. Well, it was just a notion. Mis' Keller could use a good door stop, though.
SADE:Ah... another thing... Would a chunk of railroad track be very ornamental on the front porch?
FLETCHER:[confidently] Oh, sure.
SADE:[dubious] Um.
FLETCHER:Four-foot length of railroad track look very nice on the porch.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:Tell ya something else I thought of. A shoe scraper.
SADE:[dubious] Yes... uh-huh.
FLETCHER:You take a good shoe scraper... it looks attractive screwed onto your back-porch steps, an' it's a mighty, mighty hand...
SADE:One of my boys must of got home. Heard the kitchen door open.
FLETCHER:Fine.
SADE:[calls] You, Willie?
RUSH:[off] Both of us.
SADE:[to Fletcher] Well... everybody puts in an appearance simultaneous.
FLETCHER:Fine.
SADE:[raises voice] We got lovely company.
VIC:[approaching] Not Addison Sweeney, the noted high diver?
SADE:[raises voice] Uncle Fletcher's here with me.
VIC & RUSH:[approaching] Hi.
FLETCHER:[to Sade] They been to the moving picture show, likely.
SADE:Vic's been to Lodge meeting. Rush went down to the Y.M.C.A., where the fat men play handball. [low, amused tones, without malice] Told you that three times.
FLETCHER:Fine.
RUSH:[coming up] Greetings, Uncle Fletcher.
FLETCHER:Hellow, Rush.
VIC:[coming up] Essex woppum, Uncle Fletcher. Tizzy feeker yowley veep.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh. [chuckles] Dropped in on Sadie here a while ago only intending' to stay five minutes an' been hangin' around for better'n an hour.
SADE:I was real glad you did. Got to feelin' real lonesome.
FLETCHER:Fine.
VIC:Yashum tunk, Uncle Fletcher.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh.
VIC:[cordially] Jeeler yushman vupple girp.
FLETCHER:Yes, indeed.
VIC:[cordially] Howyah booger toko sleeb. Patch hokish uddle yickalorum goshly rex doppo...
SADE:[low tones, giggles] Oh, stop that.
VIC:[innocently] Beg pardon?
SADE:[low tones, giggling] It's mean to tease a person.
VIC:[innocently] I'm not teasing anybody. I'm just...
SADE:Well, quit it. [louder] Uncle Fletcher an' me been havin' a lovely chat.
VIC:Really?
SADE:Tomorrow's his landlady's birthday, an' he's tryin' to think of a present to give her.
FLETCHER:How's that, Sadie?
SADE:I was telling Vic about tomorrow bein' Mis' Keller's birthday.
FLETCHER:Yes, Vic. My landlady's birthday tomorrow.
VIC:How old will she be?
FLETCHER:Fine. [chuckles] My idea was a fancy door stop, but Sadie here pretty much threw cold water on it.
SADE:[giggles] So heavy. He wanted to get a big hunk of railroad track from the C & A shops. Four feet long. Weight almost Five Hundred pounds.
VIC:Five Hundred pounds of steel oughta hold a door open in good shape.
SADE:Golly, yes. How's a person even get it home from the C & A shops?
VIC:Put it in their vest pocket.
FLETCHER:Moving picture show pretty good, was it, Rush?
RUSH:I never went. Been down at the Y.M.C.A. watchin' the fat men play handball.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh, fine.
RUSH:[to his folks] Pretty fast handball game, too, this evening. Mr. Cunningham an' Mr. Morris almost had a fight. I was in the society of Blue-tooth Johnson, Leland Richards, an' Smelly Clark, an' the four of us...
FLETCHER:How would a shoe scraper be for Mis' Keller's birthday present, Sadie? [aside] Excuse me for interruptin', Vic.
VIC:[generously] Perfectly all right.
RUSH:[low tones, chuckling] I was the party talkin'.
FLETCHER:[to Vic] I was tellin' Sadie before you got here I was turnin' a shoe scraper over in my mind.
VIC:Uh-huh.
FLETCHER:Shoe scraper screwed on your back-porch steps is a good lookin' contraption an' a useful contraption. Fella can pick one up at the hardware store for three... four dollars that'll last a lifetime. I saw some the other day with fancy grillwork. Iron angels an' junk flyin' around, ya know. [importantly] Or... if ya don't want angels an' junk... they got ‘em with your initial. [quotes some initials at random] G, W, K, P, S... any of them initials you can get.
VIC:[a few suggestions] M, F, Y, C, J.
FLETCHER:Sure. [a few more] B, Q, L, E, S.
RUSH:[still more] A, T, X, R, M, N, V, R...
SADE:[giggles] Oh, stop that.
FLETCHER:Yeah - any of them initials you can get. Mis' Keller's initials are G.L.K. Geraldine Laura Keller. I expect, though, if ya want all three initials on your shoe scraper, it'll run ya more money. Prob'ly hafta be made up special.
VIC & SADE & RUSH:Um.
FLETCHER:[reminiscently] A half-wit I usta know back in Belvidere bought a shoe scraper for somebody's birthday one time. Arnie Gupples. Don't s'pose you ever knew Arnie Gupples, Vic?
VIC:Name's not familiar.
FLETCHER:Sadie?
SADE:Uh-uh.
FLETCHER:Arnie Gupples worked in a shoe store there in Belvidere years ago. I've bought shoes off'n Arnie. Far as that goes, I could name you off a dozen parties that bought shoes off'n Arnie. Hey, Sadie, your cousin Albert Feeber bought shoes off'n Arnie Gupples.
SADE:Really?
FLETCHER:[stoutly] Your cousin Albert Feeber bought shoes off'n Arnie Gupples.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:I was with him when he did it. He said, "Rush, wherebouts in this town's a good place a man can buy a pair of shoes?" I took him over to the store where Arnie worked. Arnie sold him a pair of oxblood low-cuts for three dollars an' a quarter.
SADE:[impressed] Well.
FLETCHER:Yes, sir, your cousin Albert Feeber.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:What I was gonna say about Arnie Gupples an' the shoe scraper, though, was he bought this shoe scraper for one of the Yowtch sisters, there in Belvidere, he was engaged to. Gwendolyn Yowtch. Peaked girl.. Wouldn't weigh seventy pounds after the biggest supper she ever ate. Put on flesh in later years, though. Recall any of the Yowtch sisters, Sadie?
SADE:I don't believe I knew anybody in Belvidere, Uncle Fletcher.
FLETCHER:Fine. Well, there was Gwendolyn, Dorothy, Hazel, an' May. Dorothy an' Hazel married brothers. Ed an' Virgil Hashly. May died. I knew the whold outfit.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:[brief pause] What was I talkin' about?
SADE:[who's forgotten] Ah... weren't you sayin'...
FLETCHER:No. [thoughtfully] It was something else.
RUSH:The fella that give his girl a shoe scraper for her birth...
FLETCHER:Yeah. Arnie Gupples. You're a good boy, Rush.
RUSH:[little chuckle] Um.
FLETCHER:Arnie Gupples give Gwendolyn Yowtch this fancy shoe scraper for her birthday. They were engaged to be married at the time. Well, sir, first shot outa the box Gwendolyn went to scrape some mud off her shoes with that shoe scraper, twisted her ankle, had to have the doctor, got mad, an' give Arnie the mitten. Two months afterwards she married Art Hungle an' moved to North Dakota. Arnie felt so bad he quit his job at the shoe store. I heard afterwards he finally married a rich woman that made him learn to play on the cornet.
VIC & SADE & RUSH:Um.
FLETCHER:[thoughtfully] Stuff happens, don't it?
VIC & SADE & RUSH:Um.
FLETCHER:[thoughtfully] Way the world goes, I guess.
VIC & SADE & RUSH:Um.
RUSH:Smelly Clark's Uncle Strap likes to talk about the peculiar junk that takes place in the Universe, an' he says he thinks that life is controlled by...
FLETCHER:Fine! What time's it gettin' to be, Sadie? Excuse, me, Vic.
VIC:[generously] Not at all.
RUSH:[low tones, chuckling] I was the one talkin'.
SADE:[to Fletcher] Quarter past ten, just about.
FLETCHER:I better head for home.
SADE:[without conviction] Oh - early yet, Uncle Fletcher.
VIC:Stick around.
RUSH:Yeah.
FLETCHER:No, I better be gettin' along.
VIC:Shank of the evening.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh. Picture show pretty good tonight, was it?
VIC:I didn't attend. Went to Lodge meeting.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh. [brief pause] Yeah, Sadie, I could put my finger right on a four-foot length of railroad track. Pretty well acquainted with Charlie Toss down at the C & A shops. He'd fix me up in a minute.
SADE:Um.
RUSH:[little chuckle] How'd you get it home from the C & A shops?
FLETCHER:Fine. No, a four-foot length of railroad track makes a good substantial door stop. Sadie an' I figured it out a while ago, Vic. A four-foot length of railroad track'd gross a fella about a quarter of a ton.
VIC:[little chuckle] That's certainly substantial.
FLETCHER:[chuckles] Hold a door open without trouble, huh?
VIC:You bet.
FLETCHER:[chuckles] Fella wouldn't wanta pick it up an' drop it on his toe.
VIC:No, sir.
FLETCHER:[after a pause] Well, Sadie.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:[I'm going home] Quarter past ten.
VIC:Stick around, stick around.
RUSH:Yeah.
SADE:If he feels like he oughta go home to bed, he shouldn't be teased to stay an' lose out on good sleep an'...
FLETCHER:That's right. No, I better trot along. Where's my coat an' hat?
SADE:In the hallway. Rush, why don't you...
RUSH:Sure. I'll get ‘em.
FLETCHER:I can fetch my own hat and coat.
RUSH:[moving off] Sit down.
FLETCHER:You're a good boy, Rush.
RUSH:[moving off, chuckling] Uh-huh.
FLETCHER:[to Vic and Sade] He's a good boy.
VIC & SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:Enjoyed himself at the moving picture show tonight.
VIC & SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:[thoughtfully] Arnie Gupples. I bet this evening's the first time I've thought about Arnie Gupples in twenty years. Prob'ly if I met Arnie Gupples on the street I wouldn't even know him.
VIC & SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:Your cousin Alfred Feeber bought a pair of shoes off'n Arnie, Sadie.
SADE:[politely] Yes, that's what you said.
FLETCHER:I was with him when he did it. Bought a pair of oxblood low-cuts for three dollars an' a quarter. I remember... Thanks, Rush.
RUSH:Not at all.
VIC:Don't like to see you dash off.
FLETCHER:I don't call quarter past ten dashin' off. No, time I went home an' hit the hay.
VIC:Um.
FLETCHER:Nice chat, Sadie.
SADE:Enjoyed so much havin' you, Uncle Fletcher.
FLETCHER:Uh-huh.
SADE:An' will you tell Mis' Keller happy birthday for me?
FLETCHER:Fine. Tomorrow morning, first thing, I believe I'll stroll down to the C & A shops an' see Charlie Toss about that four-foot length of railroad track.
SADE:Um.
FLETCHER:Glad you had a dandy time at the moving picture show, Rush.
RUSH:[little chuckle] Thanks..
FLETCHER:Well... see you all soon.
VIC:Sure thing. Good night.
SADE & RUSH:Good night, Uncle Fletcher.
FLETCHER:Good night.
ANNOUNCER:Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house halfway up in the next block.