paulrhymer.net
Mr Dempsey & Mr Tunney Meet in a Cigar Store
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| [Rush wails from his bedroom]
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| SADE: | [Waking up] Vic! Vic! [Shakes him]
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| VIC: | [Wakes up] What is it, Sade!
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| SADE: | I heard something.
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| VIC: | What?
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| SADE: | I don't know what. A noise.
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| VIC: | Aw, you been dreamin' prob'ly. G'wan back to sleep.
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| SADE: | Oh, I never can go back to sleep once I wake up in the middle of the night.
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| VIC: | Well, I can.
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| SADE: | I know I heard something.
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| VIC: | Your imagination. Wonder what time it is.
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| SADE: | I don't know.
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| [Clock strikes once]
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| VIC: | One o'clock.
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| SADE: | Or half-past something. I wish I knew.
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| VIC: | Why?
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| SADE: | Well, if it's only one o'clock I know I can go back to sleep because it's so early. But if it's later I'll get the idea there's no use trying to go back to sleep it's so late and...
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| VIC: | Aw, I never heard such nonsense. Now if you'll excuse me I think I'll just sneak on back to dreamland. I...
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| SADE: | Please see what time it is first, won't you, Vic?
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| VIC: | Aw, why don't ya just figure it's one o'clock and go back to sleep? Gosh, I...
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| SADE: | Oh, lean on your elbow and look at your wrist watch on the little table.
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| VIC: | Aw, thunder... [Raises himself]... it's... it's three-thirty.
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| SADE: | Oh, now I know I'll never go back to sleep. Wish you hadn't told me what time it was.
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| VIC: | Well, you asked. Sade, I'd like to talk all this over with you a little later... say about daylight. Right now I'm bein' paged in the land of dreams and... [Rush wails] Now what?
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| SADE: | That's what I heard. It's Rush.
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| VIC: | Yellin' in his sleep. Maybe we oughta gag him.
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| SADE: | Maybe he's sick.
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| VIC: | Aw, if he was we'd know it quick enough.
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| SADE: | Better go see, Vic.
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| VIC: | Aw, Sade... what's the sense in traipsin' around in the middle of the night. For Gosh sakes, I...
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| [Rush again]
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| SADE: | Go see, Vic.
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| VIC: | [Getting up and out] Oh, all right. Golly, I wonder if there's any other poor dub in the world got a family like mine. [Rush again] [Calling to Rush] S'matter, Son?
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| SADE: | [Calling after him] If he's just talking in his sleep, Vic, don't wake him up.
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| VIC: | [Softly] Oh, Rush Son.... awake?
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| RUSH: | Yeah, Gov.
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| VIC: | What's the matter?
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| RUSH: | I got a stomach ache.
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| VIC: | Stomach ache, huh?
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| RUSH: | Yeah... hurts awful.
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| VIC: | Wanta go to the...
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| RUSH: | No. [Moans a little]
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| VIC: | Well, why don't you try to go to sleep, Rush?
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| RUSH: | I don't want to go to sleep.
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| VIC: | Why not?
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| RUSH: | My sick stomach makes me have awful bad dreams. Scary ones. Gee, Gov, I was dreamin' that there was a great big snake on my neck and some lions with false teeth in my lap and...
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| SADE: | [Calling] What is it, Vic?
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| VIC: | Stomach ache.
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| [Calls]
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| RUSH: | Don't tell Mom I got a stomach ache, Gov.
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| VIC: | Why not?
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| RUSH: | 'Cause I ate a whole lot of strawberries, and she said I'd get a stomach ache, and I said I wouldn't, and...
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| SADE: | Want me? [Calls]
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| VIC: | No, Sade. We'll be all right. [To Rush] I won't tell her, Son. You better try goin' back to sleep, boy. You'll be right as a rivet by mornin'.
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| RUSH: | I'm afraid to go back to sleep, Gov.
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| VIC: | 'Fraid of bad dreams, huh?
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| RUSH: | Yeah. [Moans a little] Gee, my stomach hurts, Gov. Gov.
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| VIC: | Yeah, Son.
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| RUSH: | Can I come in bed with you'n Mom?
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| VIC: | What for?
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| RUSH: | I think I could go to sleep and not dream bad dreams if I was sleepin' with you'n Mom.
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| VIC: | Three in a bed's altogether too many, Rush. Besides you kick.
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| RUSH: | I won't kick, Gov. I'll be still as anything. C'mon, let me. My stomach hurts so.
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| VIC: | Well... don't want you in here suffering alone, Rush. We'll see what Mom says.
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| RUSH: | I wish you would, Gov. I won't even stir if you let me.
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| VIC: | [Calls] Sade, Rush wants to come in our bed.
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| SADE: | In our bed? Why?
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| VIC: | Oh, he isn't feeling so hot. Has bad dreams. Wants company.
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| SADE: | Oh, lands. Well, bring him.
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| VIC: | C'mon, Rush... get on my back.
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| RUSH: | Gee, you're a sport, Gov.
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| VIC: | [As they go] You won't think I'm such a sport if you go to kickin' me in bed. I'll break you in little pieces.
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| SADE: | What's the matter, Rush?
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| RUSH: | I ain't feelin' very well, Mom. My... my elbow...
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| SADE: | Elbow nothing! That box of strawberries... Well, guess there's no use rubbing it in about that box of strawberries. If you're sick you've learned your lesson.
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| VIC: | Move over, Sade. I'll dump this bag of uselessness in the middle.
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| SADE: | Now you gotta lie quiet, Rush. Gov and Mom've got to go to sleep.
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| RUSH: | I will, Mom.
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| SADE: | Ooh, your feet are cold, Rush. Get 'em over.
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| RUSH: | Wanta get 'em warm, Mom.
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| SADE: | Well, wait till Gov comes back and use his feet for a stove. [Calling] Oh, Vic, while you're in the bathroom, get those pills...
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| RUSH: | Aw, Mom.
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| SADE: | Get those pills on the top shelf and a glass of water. D'ya hear, Vic?
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| VIC: | [From bathroom] Yeah. The pink pills?
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| SADE: | Yes. Two.
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| VIC: | O.K.
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| RUSH: | Aw, Mom I don't want no pills. It's my elbow...
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| SADE: | Elbow nothing. Listen child, you just be quiet about that sick elbow and I'll not say a single word about that box of strawberries.
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| RUSH: | Gosh, Mom, my stomach. [Moans]
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| SADE: | Well, as soon as you've taken your pills you go to sleep.
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| [Vic comes in]
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| VIC: | Here y'are, Son. Two snappy delicious pink pills. Just the thing for the stomach ache.
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| RUSH: | Aw, I...
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| SADE: | Take 'em, Rush, or back to your own bed you go. Take 'em.
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| VIC: | And don't spill any water on my side of the bed.
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| RUSH: | Aw... [Takes pills] Nasty! Gimme the water.
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| VIC: | Here it is. Be careful now. [Rush drinks] Gimme back the glass.
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| SADE: | You'll feel lots better in the morning.
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| RUSH: | Gee, them pills are awful. Rather have the stomach ache a darn sight.
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| VIC: | Now mooch over. There's another party got a reservation in this bed. And that party's me.
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| RUSH: | Can you move over a little, Mom?
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| SADE: | No, I can't.
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| VIC: | [Crawling in] Rush, get your feet over.
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| RUSH: | Mom, get your feet over.
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| VIC: | Well, here we are. And I gotta get some sleep. Of course it's a great pleasure to be in bed with so many dear old friends, but I'm in favor of cutting out jolly conversation and settlin' down to some good old shut-eye.
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| SADE: | Me too. Rush, stop wiggling.
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| RUSH: | [Moans a little] My stomach hurts.
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| VIC: | Rush, you said you'd be quiet if we let you come in bed with us.
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| SADE: | He can't help it if he's suffering, can he?
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| VIC: | No, I s'pose not. Try to lie still, Rush, will ya?
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| RUSH: | Yeah, Gov. I'm going right to sleep. [Little pause]
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| VIC: | [Grunts suddenly] Aw, I knew you'd begin to kick. Listen, I'm gonna go sleep in the little bed.
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| RUSH: | It's too short for you, Gov. Your feet'll stick out the end.
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| VIC: | Anything's better'n this.
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| RUSH: | Aw, don't go, Gov.
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| VIC: | But I got to get some sleep, Rush. Work in the morning.
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| SADE: | That's right, Rush. You better let Gov go sleep in your bed.
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| RUSH: | Gov, if you'd tell me a little story - just a little one - I'd go to sleep and never budge till tomorrow.
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| VIC: | I should be telling stories at pretty near four o'clock in the morning.
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| RUSH: | Please, Gov.
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| SADE: | Go on, Vic. Maybe it would put me to sleep too.
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| VIC: | Well, what'll I tell about?
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| RUSH: | Tell about one of your funny dreams.
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| VIC: | I'd like to be having a funny dream... 'stead of entertainin' my family in the middle of the night.
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| SADE: | Go on, Vic,
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| VIC: | Well. Lemme see. Well, the other night I was dreamin' that I was going to a party and I wore Mis' Fisher's night-shirt only it had wheels on it, and I took a bobsled and hitched it onto Mr. Bucksaddle and we got to going so fast Mr. Bucksaddle couldn't stop and...
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| RUSH: | You oughta of put a brake on the bobsled, Gov.
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| SADE: | Or one on Mr. Bucksaddle.
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| VIC: | Listen, who's telling about this dream? You two go to sleep instead of buttin' in? Well, when we got to the party I found out the party wasn't a party at all but a funeral. Well sir, they wanted to have the funeral but they didn't have any corpse handy so I volunteered.
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| RUSH: | Why didn't you use Mr. Bucksaddle? He'd make a nice corpse.
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| SADE: | [Giggling] Aw, Rush.
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| VIC: | Listen, I quit. I'm going to sleep.
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| SADE: | Go on with the story, Vic. We'll be still.
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| RUSH: | Yeah, Gov. While you were telling about your dream I forgot all about my stomach. Didn't hurt a bit. Hurts now, though. [Moans a little]
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| VIC: | Nope. I'm through story-tellin'. I'm going to sleep. Let Mom tell you a story.
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| RUSH: | Will ya, Mom?
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| SADE: | Will you promise to go to sleep if I do?
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| RUSH: | Yes.
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| SADE: | All right, then. But first, get your foot away.
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| VIC: | Has he got a foot stabbin' you too? Rush, get your feet in the middle of the bed.
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| RUSH: | All right, Gov. Tell me the story, Mom.
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| SADE: | Well, one time there were three bears: a big bear, a middle-sized bear, and...
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| RUSH: | I know that story.
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| SADE: | Well, let's see. How's this. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess and she...
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| RUSH: | Is this the one where she went to sleep and didn't wake up for fifty years?
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| SADE: | Yes. Gee you've heard all my stories.
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| VIC: | I wish to thunder I was a beautiful princess and could go to sleep for fifty years. Let's cut out the story-tellin' and be quiet. You can go to sleep if you try, Rush.
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| RUSH: | No, I can't.
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| SADE: | Try, Rush.
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| RUSH: | I did try. Hey, I bet I know how I could go to sleep.
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| VIC: | How!... for goodness sake!
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| RUSH: | Well, both of you tell a story at the same time. Gov, you can be somebody, and Mom, you can be somebody. And talk back and forth.
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| VIC: | No soap, Son. Mom and me ain't puttin' on no three-act plays at this time of night.
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| RUSH: | Aw, please. I know who you could be.
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| SADE: | Who, Rush?
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| RUSH: | Well, Mom, you could be Jack Dempsey.
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| SADE: | Jack Dempsey, huh?
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| RUSH: | Yes. And Gov can be Gene Tunney.
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| VIC: | Want us to put on a six-round battle right here in bed, huh? Nonsense. Go to sleep and no more foolishness.
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| RUSH: | Aw, please. Listen... Mom, you're Jack Dempsey, see. And you meet Gene Tunney - that's Gov - in a cigar store. And he accidentally steps on your foot, and...
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| VIC: | Have a heart, Son. I got to go to work in the morning.
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| SADE: | Let's do it, Vic. We might as well do that as lie here bawling each other out. C'mon. I'm Jack Dempsey and you're Gene Tunney.
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| RUSH: | And ya just met in a cigar store and Gene Tunney accidently steps on Jack Dempsey's foot.
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| VIC: | Aw, criminy. Who'm I?
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| SADE: | You're Gene Tunney. And you accidentally step on my foot. We're in a cigar store. [Chuckles]
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| VIC: | All right. 'Morning, Mr. Dempsey.
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| SADE: | Good morning, Mr. Tunney. Get off my foot. [Giggles]
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| [Rush laughs]
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| VIC: | I ain't on your foot, Mr. Dempsey.
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| SADE: | You are too. Look, Mr. Tunney.
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| VIC: | Well, gosh, Mr. Dempsey, I'm awful sorry. I...
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| RUSH: | Aw, Gov. Gene Tunney's an awful tough fella. He wouldn't apologize for stepping on somebody's foot.
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| VIC: | Well, what if I am on your foot, Dempsey. Don't ya like it?
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| SADE: | No, I don't like it. I think I'll give you a hit in the face.
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| RUSH: | Aw, Mom, Jack Dempsey wouldn't say that. He'd say 'a sock on the beazer'.
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| SADE: | No, I don't like it. I think I'll give you a sock on the beazer.
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| VIC: | Oh, yeah. Well, looka here, Dempsey, I got half a notion to lay one up side your jaw.
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| SADE: | You just try it, Gene Tunney, and I'll give you a biff on the snoot.
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| RUSH: | [Laughs] That's it, Mom, That's it!
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| VIC: | Now, is this putting you to sleep or isn't it?
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| RUSH: | Sure, sure. I'm almost asleep.
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| VIC: | You were never wider awake in your life. I'm quittin' this stuff. You'll just have to round yourself up another Gene Tunney.
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| SADE: | You're not going to sleep, Rush.
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| RUSH: | Aw, please be Jack Dempsey and Gene Tunney a little while longer. I'll go to sleep in no time.
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| VIC: | Listen, Rush, if you'll promise not to open your trap till the clock strikes four... not say a single word... we'll go on with this. Do you promise?
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| RUSH: | Yes, Gov.
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| VIC: | All right, then... not another word. Aw... Mr. Dempsey.
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| SADE: | Yes, Mr. Tunney.
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| VIC: | I think I'll smash you in the jaw.
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| SADE: | You just try it and see what you get, Mr. Tunney.
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| VIC: | Aw, what'll I get, ya flat-head.
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| SADE: | You'll get a smack in the coco. that's what you'll get.
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| VIC: | [Lowering his voice somnolently] Say, Mr. Dempsey.
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| SADE: | I don't want none of your lip, Mr. Tunney.
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| VIC: | Mr. Dempsey, I was down by the stock-yards the other day and I saw some sheep.
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| SADE: | Is that so, Mr. Tunney?
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| VIC: | Yes, Mr. Dempsey. They were coming out of a barn one at a time. First I saw one sheep.
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| SADE: | [Giggling] Uh-huh, Mr. Tunney. And then I bet you saw two sheep.
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| VIC: | Uh-huh. And three sheep.
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| [Softly and slowly]
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| SADE: | And four sheep.
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| VIC: | And five sheep.
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| SADE: | And six sheep.
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| VIC: | And seven sheep.
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| SADE: | And eight sheep.
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| VIC: | And nine sheep.
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| SADE: | And ten sheep.
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| VIC: | And eleven... [Rush sighs sleepily] And eleven sheep.
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| SADE: | And twelve sheep.
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| VIC: | And thirteen sheep.
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| SADE: | And fourteen sheep.
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| VIC: | And fifteen... sh. [Giggles]
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| SADE: | [Whispering] Is he asleep?
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| VIC: | Dead to the world.
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| SADE: | Goodnight, Mr. Tunney.
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| VIC: | Night, Mr. Dempsey.
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| [Clock strikes four times]
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| 1932
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